Miscarriages

Steven's perfect little feet

Hi everyone! First off, Please comment below and share! So I can't really think of a better name for this post but it's basically gonna be kinda my story of my own mom's miscarriages and I just kinda wanna let people know that it is 100% okay to be upset by your mother having a miscarriage. I feel like people don't really understand that it is really hard when that happens and while it definitely is harder to lose a sibling that has been born and that you have been with and loved so much it is still really hard when you have a sibling die that is unborn and that you never got to meet and love. And also I feel like since so many people have miscarriages (most of the mothers I know have had at least one and according to March of Dimes around 50% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage which is truly really sad) that people just kinda normalize it, which is really sad because no matter how young the baby is it is ALWAYS a baby and it is ALWAYS your sibling or if you are a parent your child

I think it is even harder for people to understand your pain if like in most cases there is nothing to bury. It is just really hard for them to grasp that it is still a child. Yet, when people have a child that dies right after birth I feel like it is much easier for people to understand this and it is MUCH harder if you actually see and hold your baby even if it is just for a few minutes before they die.  I know for me it was always really hard when my mom had miscarriages because when she told us she was pregnant we all got SO excited because that intention was always at the TOP of my intention list. All I wanted as a child was for my mom to have a baby. I'm pretty sure that was the only time I really prayed by myself when I was younger, besides by bedtime prayers.

Okay, so now I am gonna talk about my mom's miscarriages. So my mom had her first one when she was around 23, she had been married for about two and a half years and she already had two children. This one was long before I was born so it was definitely the least hard for me to go through and probably for all of us because miraculously my mom got pregnant almost right away after he/she was miscarried and the baby she had after that was my brother Caleb and he would not have been born if she had not miscarried our other brother/sister, who they named Francis Jude. So my brother Caleb is what people call "a rainbow baby" since he could not have been born if Francis had not been miscarried.

Than ten kids later my mom, who had been trying really hard to conceive, announced that she was pregnant again. I remember being SO excited, I think I was about seven at the time, and I remember running around our living room in circles yelling "Mom is having a baby!". Before that, I used to pray every night that my mom would have a baby. I prayed so hard. And then a couple weeks later my mom miscarried he/she. We still don't know the gender of the baby but I have a feeling that is was a girl, maybe just because we named it Hope Grace, but I am genuinely convinced that the baby was a girl, I don't know why I just am. Anyway, one of the only other parts of this pregnancy that I remember was that after it happened I inconsiderately said to my crying sister, "Well at least people will make us food now." We buried Hope in a little heart-shaped container my mom found that said Hope on it and we put her next of my two grandparents and my aunt. And I forgot to mention it before but we buried Francis in those same grandparents backyard by a little tree.

My baby brother Steven right after being born at 20 weeks 💓

Okay so then a couple years later we ended up getting what was supposed to be a temporary foster baby in April and then in May (on Mother's day) my mom announced that she was pregnant again! Everyone must have thought we were crazy since we not only had twelve kids already but we were pregnant with number thirteen while also fostering a baby. So I don't know about your family but my family never found out the gender of our unborn siblings, until Steven. My mom said, "Well, this is gonna be my last pregnancy since I am not young enough to get pregnant again so we might as well find out what it is".  So we found out it was a little boy and my parents decided to name him Steven Thomas after my two uncles. So in late July, my mom's water broke. At this point, my mom would have been a little over 17 weeks along. My parents obviously went to the hospital right away and my mom was on bed rest for about two weeks and my mom delivered Steven on August 1. He was already dead after she had delivered him but my parents got to spend a few hours with him before they brought him home to be buried. One of my mom's friends had a beautiful, small box that had been used to hold ballerina shoes and we buried him in that. Our church had a special spot of the cemetery specifically for miscarried babies and we buried Steven there and my parents had a gravestone made that had not only Steven's name and date of death but also Francis and Hope. This miscarriage was definitely the hardest on my mom and our whole family, especially since there was a body and since he was farther along then my mom's other miscarriages. My mom said she not only mourned the loss of Steven but the loss of her fertility. 

It was really hard dealing with the loss of Steven especially since my deepest desire and the thing that I prayed to God every day to give me was another sibling. But four years later in mid-July, I kept on hearing my mom talking on the phone and I gathered that we might foster another baby. I was SO excited at this point if it was even possible I had been praying even more than I had been before. I am kind of ashamed to say that was about the only thing I would pray about. And then God answered my prayer and on the same day that Steven was delivered my new foster-brother Bradley was delivered. He came to live with us a week later and has been with us ever since. I remember being so freaked out that they were born on the same day! I was actually the one who realized it and told everyone, but whatever no big deal I'm just a genius... and very humble 😉. 

Anyway, I just wanna leave you with one last thing. I want you to know that when someone you know has a miscarriage or someone aborts their baby those babies ALWAYS go to heaven. Always. This is one thing that no one will ever be able to change my mind about. Because the thing is, the babies have done absolutely NOTHING wrong, so why should they have to go to Hell. So because of this these babies are ALL saints! How awesome is that? Cause think about it for me I have three siblings that are saints! I mean obviously, I wish that they had survived and I could be with them today but truly something good can come of miscarriages. So coming off of that think about it you can ask for their intercession whenever you want and you can talk to them. I think people really forget that ALL those babies are really saints that we can ask to pray for us and ask to talk to God for us. Alright, with that I off have a good night!